Endless trips to the dentist and sucking my dinner through a straw for six months. These were the things on my mind as I took on Surreys trio of quick bowlers at The Oval before the start of their Twenty20 campaign. There is something fascinatingly perverse about playing against someone so completely out of your league like finding yourself going 10-pin bowling with Scarlett Johansson on a Friday night. When I shook hands with Chris Jordan Jade Dernbach and James Benning it reminded me of that scene in Blackadder Goes Forth when Edmund shakes the hands of his firing squad after he is court martialled for shooting General Melchetts favourite carrier pigeon Speckled Jim. Priorities first I reached for my box trusted custodian of the future Soneji legacy. I was so happy to see it I almost wanted to kiss the moulded plastic codpiece but then I remembered where it had been so I thought better of it and don’t worry said Nathan the days organiser as I trudged into the net. They won’t be bowling fast. Someone had obviously forgotten to tell his pace bowlers this as Dernbach steamed in like a man hell-bent on breaking at least 200 bones in my body. I was thinking he was going to stop short at the crease and loop up a juicy long-hop. Instead Dernbach continued at full speed and unleashed a ball which I barely saw zip past my off stump. It clocked 84 7mph which by strange coincidence was the precise speed my bowels went southbound and he smiled at me when I tossed the ball back. I didn’t like that smile. It said I know you’re scared. Then came Jordan, a Bajan born teenage all rounder whose run up started closer to the sightscreen than the bowling crease and I must confess I am no Brendon McCullum with the blade think Chris Tavare on valium and you are getting close but then again I don’t usually face bowlers who can reach pant staining speeds playing for Polytechnic CC on a glorious June afternoon. I don’t remember too much about Jordan’s third delivery except the fact it clocked 90.2mph on the speed gun. And I amazingly got bat on it. Admittedly it was a very thin edge which would have weasled its way past wicket keeper and first slip for four but it was still bat and the ball was 0.1mph slower than Jordan’s fastest ever delivery and it was totally wasted on me. I could probably get a yard quicker off my full run up my rhythm wasn’t quite right he told me. According to the bloke manning the speed gun I had approximately 0.48 seconds to react get willow on the ball or bolt for square leg. I faced a good 12 balls worth of this hitting one decent shot a square drive for a probable four off Benning which made me feel like Yuvraj Singh. That was until Dernbach brought me thumping back to earth five seconds later with a ball which re arranged my stumps. On Wednesday at grounds all round the T20 circuit batsmen no bigger than me will be launching these sort of deliveries back over these bowlers heads for six. Think two clicks of your mouse. That is your 0.48 seconds and to attempt a straight drive for 6. Pretty much impossible to you and me but for the pros Twenty20 is a 6 week non stop 6 smashing and stump clattering jamboree and still. At least my teeth are still in my mouth.
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